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Something To Offend Everyone :

 

Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

A: The position of the dirt bag.

 

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?

A: Because it's worth it.

 

Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

A: Doughnuts.

 

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

 

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?

A: A golden retriever

 

Q: What do attorneys use for birth control?

A: Their personalities.

 

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

A: 45 lb..

 

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

A: 45 minutes.

 

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart.

A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

 

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?

A: They can't stand criticism.

 

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,

and good-looking?

A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

 

Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

 

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of

driving.

 

Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

A: Because they have cotton balls.

 

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A: A porcupine has the :filtered: on the outside.

 

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

 

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

A: Mace will do that to you.

 

Q: Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?

A: Everyone has the same DNA.

 

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: :filtered: don't have eyes.

 

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

A: He walks around saying "Yo."

 

Q: Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only

on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

 

Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at

half-mast?

A: They're hiring.

 

Q: What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A: A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the

cage along with... "a recipe."

 

Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

 

Q: What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern

fairytale?

A: A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern

fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s***..."

 

Q: Why is there no Disneyland in China?

A: No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

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Well, I suppose I am about 99 years old. However, don't think that I have a split personality. Do you want to know where Lorrie is? Lorrie is everywhere. You can feel her when you go to work, pay your taxes, go to church. No one can really be told what Lorrie is....

Edited by Stasi
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No, not LSD, however, there is a pill you can take to see the truth, though I don't know what's in it. Oh yeah, I forgot, it's a multivitamin.

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Who are these PMs you see in your future? Is one of them Tony Blair? I hope he stays in office for several more years at least! Gosh, anyone else think he looks like Ed from that TV show called "Ed"?

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Hell I like Tony!! he's from the wrong party for me,,but god love him he's got gonads. :) v

 

 

And I'll get PMs from both sides of the fence on Mary's post up there. :mrgreen: v

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And I'll get PMs from both sides of the fence on Mary's post up there. :mrgreen: v

Oooooooh, be careful. Just make sure those PMs don't come from saber toothed tigers or naked mole rats!
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um Volt dear, I edited out the ones I thought might be truly offensive :angel: :censored:

 

* oh you get positive pm's about my posts ? lololol ;)

Thank you Mary!! might have saved me some typing there!! :) v
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Stasi

 

Tony Blair can get stuffed is the general opinion of Brits these days

 

Posted Image

That's fine. I really don't care about peoples' political opinions on things, including my own, because people will believe what they want to believe. After all, great politicians are little more than populist liars who merely need to put their faith in the mindless group mentality of a group of people, be they their small constituency, nationwide social group, etc.
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Depends on the context CD. :blink:

For example, if you want him stuffed because you want to eat him, that's "bad". If you want him stuffed so you can make a wall-mount trophy of him, that's "good".
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Loved those one-liners. :P

 

where's Lorrie ? *S*

I'm still here Mary. I've been ripping up my house. I'd much rather be here at the pit. My hubby and I are going to kill each other before this is done. Refinishing hardwood floors. Ugh.

:yikes:

 

Here's one for you. :mrgreen: An Irish Joke

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical

Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is.

 

.... "Top o'the morning to ya."

 

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

 

So what are those, son?" asks the attendant.

 

"They're called tees," replied Tiger.

 

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

 

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

 

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Don't those

fellas at Buick think of everything!"

:woot::rocks::rofl: Edited by lorriehe
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Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Don't those

fellas at Buick think of everything!"

 

Hey I've got a Buick , but it didn't come with that option :woot:

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Guest andsomeoldname

If this clarifies things, Tony Blair can get stuffed in the same place as the turkey gets stuffed. How can you trust someone who has had his face stapled into a permanant silly grin?

 

Posted ImagePosted Image

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If this clarifies things, Tony Blair can get stuffed in the same place as the turkey gets stuffed. How can you trust someone who has had his face stapled into a permanant silly grin?

 

Posted ImagePosted Image

Does that mean we can't trust pinnochio or the little drummer boy? :mrgreen:

 

I personally like Tony Blair. I would suppose you don't like Bush either?

 

Mary, some of those were low...so low :mrgreen: Here is my retort :P

 

A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says "This Bull mated 50 times last year. The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says "He mated 50 times last year."

 

They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign that says "This Bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hits her husband and says "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him"

 

They walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign saying "This Bull mated 365 times last year." The wife gets really excited and says, "That's once a day." You could REALLY learn something from this one."

 

The husband finally turn to her and says, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

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