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jimbotopgun
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A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two

new dogs.

 

She asked, "What are their names?"

 

The blonde replied, "That one is Rolex, and that one is Timex."

 

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like

that?"

 

"Helllooo?" said the blonde. "They're watch dogs..."

 

******************

 

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say

 

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have

to stop and ask for directions.

 

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready

for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

 

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours"

attitude... I like that.

 

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

 

6. Father's Day? Baahh--don't worry about that--no biggie.

 

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend... you

might want to consider throwing a party.

 

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one

of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run

or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever

he asks.

 

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an

earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

 

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money

for you to spend.

 

And the #1 thing you will never hear...

 

1. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not

good enough for you, son?

**********************************

 

"War of The Worlds" is continuing to do huge business. You

know the H.G. Wells classic where the earth is invaded by

aliens and they can't be stopped. They went from city to

city vaporizing everything in their path. And California

still voted to give them driver's licenses." --Jay Leno

***********************

 

Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who

had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late

in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down

on my veranda for a few hours and relax.

 

In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad,

fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon

boating or playing golf or tennis...

 

When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the

finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my

veranda again."

 

The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be

envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She

asked, "What's his wife's name?"

 

Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda."

 

************************************

 

A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi

just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,

"Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

 

"Who?"

 

"Dave Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like

my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have

happened like that to Dave every single time."

 

"There are always a few clouds over everybody."

 

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on

the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang

like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

 

"He was something, huh?"

 

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's

birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He

could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the

whole neighborhood blacks out."

 

"No wonder you remember him."

 

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

 

"Then how do you know so much about him?"

 

"I married his widow."

:jester:

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Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who

had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late

in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down

on my veranda for a few hours and relax.

 

In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad,

fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon

boating or playing golf or tennis...

 

When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the

finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my

veranda again."

 

The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be

envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She

asked, "What's his wife's name?"

 

Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda."

:lol:
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A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two

new dogs.

 

She asked, "What are their names?"

 

The blonde replied, "That one is Rolex, and that one is Timex."

 

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like

that?"

 

"Helllooo?" said the blonde. "They're watch dogs..."

I liked that one... :tup:

Edited by cutehomoboi
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3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an

earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

I thought this was pretty funny, because my Dad got his earring like 5 years before I got mine. :blink: Much to my Mom's dissapproval I got mine pierced when me and him took a vacation. :lol:
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