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Sunday funnies........


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If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

 

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

 

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

 

I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

 

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

 

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

 

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

 

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

 

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

 

There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking for it.

 

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

 

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

 

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

The grass may be greener on the other side, but at least you don't have to mow it.

 

I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.

 

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 

Money is the root of all wealth.

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Four men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and one man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes garage and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

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Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an A..' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an A.. '

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic A.. calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an A..' and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first A.. (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is..'
I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax .
It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an A..'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two to call.

Then I came up with an idea.
I called #1.
He said, 'Hello.'
I said, 'You're an A.. '
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah.'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me!'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, A.. ,' and hung up.

Then I called No. 2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, A.. .'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your butt,'
I answered, 'Well, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fair fax , and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just in time to watch two jerks beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

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